Know Your Roll
If you cannot afford toilet paper, then you should not be dating.
If you cannot afford toilet paper, then you should not be dating. I could be wrong.
I’m starting to think that I may be too picky. I’m only saying that because I once sabotaged a relationship with a woman because she asked me if I would pick up some toilet paper on my way to her place. I was immediately annoyed. More than that, it made me uncomfortable. We were only two months in. I didn’t think we were at the pick-me-up-some-toilet-paper-stage. Had we been dating for two years, I could see her asking to do a toilet paper run.
I wanted to know, and I had to ask her, what was going on in her life that she allowed herself to get down to the wire on toilet paper? I also wanted and needed to know what made her feel comfortable enough to ask me to get it for her. Shouldn’t we at least be farting around each other first?
There are so many reasons why this was uncomfortable.
1. Going to the bathroom is a personal matter. Toilet paper is an intimate purchase. Our relationship had not reached the point where we should have been comfortable with asking one another to buy personal hygiene items. Purchasing toilet paper is one of those things that should be reserved for someone you are thinking about being with long term. To me, toilet paper means you will be here for a while. I had not looked at this woman through a long-term lens yet. Her premature ask was not making a convincing case for wanting more with her. This woman’s request was something you ask of someone you’ve at the very least had a conversation about being in a relationship. It was a lack of emotional intelligence for me.
2. I would like us all to have a very Don't-ask-don't-tell approach when going to the bathroom. And until we reach a specific place in our relationship, whether as friends or romantic interest, you only need to find out what kind of toilet paper I use once you get in my house. And it should be a surprise to the both of us. Starting with you being surprised that you got close enough to me to find what type of toilet paper I use. Followed by me being surprised that I allowed somebody to get close enough to me to find out what kind of toilet paper I use.
3. The ask gave me anxiety. I knew I wouldn’t be able to perform sexually if I was stressed. I found myself questioning if I could be with her if the toilet paper, she requested wasn’t quality toilet paper? And if it was, then what if the toilet paper she wants is unavailable? What’s her back up toilet paper? What if I’m left to decide what toilet paper to get? No part of me wants to be responsible for selecting the toilet paper for a woman that I’m in a to-be-decided-what-will-come-of-this thing we are doing to wipe her ass with after she’s dumped waste into a toilet. I didn’t know how to have this conversation with this woman. I also didn’t want to bring it up and risk her not understanding my point of view and being dismissive of it. But I knew that these were things I needed answers to. The sensible part of me knew that there was no point in continuing to be in a relationship with a woman I would always feel the need to question. The horniness however whispered in my ear “we can worry about this later.
I had just as many reasons to be annoyed.
1. She wasn’t paying attention to how late it already was. Stopping at the store would cut into valuable peak performance hours. Once I get sleepy, I’m going to phone it in. I don’t believe we’ve evolved to the point where men can say no when a woman offers them sex without the woman suspecting something other than that the man could be tired. My fear of being accused of something other than what I say, went away, as well as the fear that the offer won’t be extended to me again, had been removed from my psyche. I have grown extremely comfortable with saying, “It is not happening.”
(But I’m still going to put forth some effort even if I phone it in.)
2. And then there's the possibility that she’ll have an issue with the toilet paper that I would select. That would be a red flag. What if I pick the toilet paper I use, and she doesn't like it? Well, now I have to decide if I can be with somebody who has an issue with how I take care of my ass. And if she doesn't think the type of toilet paper, I would use is good toilet paper, then I need to know what type of toilet paper she thinks is best. If it isn't better than what I would use, I will fucking judge her. And I won’t be able to trust her. And if I can’t trust her, then I can't let her make certain decisions if I’m going to be impacted in any way.
3. I needed to buy toilet paper for myself. At the time, I wasn't sure if the reason behind my not going to get some was from me being lazy or if I could not afford toilet paper. And I knew if I could not afford to buy toilet paper for myself, I was not going to feel good about spending money on toilet paper for somebody else. And I knew that if I couldn't afford toilet paper, then that also meant I was taking a chance by driving somewhere I didn't need to be going, burning gas that I didn't have to waste. How much toilet paper was she expecting me to buy, and would it be rude if I took a few rolls for myself.
Even as I draft this piece, I hear the voices of women in the comment section. HERE. LET. ME. SHOW. YOU. WHAT. I. MEAN.
1. “A nigger don't need to approach me if he can’t buy himself fucking toilet paper."
2. “He can’t put up with my shit if he can’t even afford to wipe his own.” This comment would come from someone thinking they have said something profound.
3. “I'm tired of broke-ass niggas approaching me.” This one will get 2,000 or more likes.
4. “If he can't afford toilet paper, then he can't afford this ass.” No pun intended. But I'm willing to argue that point.
5. “A man who can't afford toilet paper ain't a real man.” That comment could come from a man or a woman.
6. "If you are reading this message, it is because God loves you. God put it on my heart to share this message with you. You are special. You are loved. You are wonderful because you come from God. If you have not already, give your life to God today. And you can start by donating money to this link below because we need help fighting the devil." Random spam that doesn’t have shit to do with what is posted will find its way into the comment section every time.
Side note: Since we are here now, I would love to know the person who sits down and decides how much money will be needed to defeat the devil. I need to know what the defense budget is for the devil. How do you do the math for that?
Side note A: Speaking of spam, and the irony: I do not know what I am going to do with myself if I receive another text message from the Democrats asking for donations. I need to know why the government is asking us for money, when we are asking them to make the money flow. Somebody needs to make this shit make sense.
The thing that frustrated me the most was her not having enough toilet paper. I thought to myself, what was she going to do if I wasn’t coming over. I don’t want to think about her obstacles. I have my own. She made it clear that she did not want to leave her house. That was part of the reason she opted to invite me over. If this became a long-term thing and we were to move in together, I couldn't trust that she would make sure we always had toilet paper in the home. I don't want to get caught slipping by not having enough toilet paper. The roll lets you know when the end is approaching. What does that say about you when you don't heed such an obvious sign?
That's another red flag.
The whole ordeal was a little overwhelming. I lost my sexual desire. It was just too much to wrestle with.
Even now I need toilet paper, but inflation has me putting off going to buy some for as long as I can. I think of ways that I can cut down on having to use toilet paper as much. With no evidence to support my theory, I told myself I could make my toilet paper last longer if I made one big trip to the bathroom. Just one big, massive exodus.
I thought if I adjusted my eating habits, I would not go as much. Turns out that is not true. However, the cost of food forced me to change my diet before I had a chance to knowledgeably test my idea. I don’t understand why toilet paper costs as much as it does. It’s just paper that we are going to use to wipe our asses with and flush down a toilet. This applies to people who have indoor plumbing. In hindsight, it would have probably been cheaper to buy toilet paper for this girl fifteen years ago. That’s another reason we broke up. If a woman asked me to purchase her toilet paper today, I would probably block her. I refuse to be stressed out about something that I feel is uncomfortable and can’t afford to do. Life does both of these to me enough. You’re going to have to pick one. Then it dawned on me. If I cannot afford to wipe my ass, I know I can’t afford to put up with her shit.
Now that is profound.
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First of all, I've been smashing the like button as they would say, for the past hour, but for some reason, it's not actually letting me like it. Not being able to like something successfully, electronically is a shitty feeling for sure. The like button is there, but clicking it no matter how many times you wish won't do what you want it to do, it's like when you're majorly constipated, you know the shit is there, but no matter how hard you push, it won't come out. Anyways, I thoroughly enjoyed the piece of writing that you did. I laughed my ass off. The random pictures of almost-running-out toilet paper throughout the piece and the picture of a sad man at the end really helped me understand and realize the pain described on a deep level. It is nonetheless a real situation that you gave me a feeling for which definitely got me thinking now: what if I ever face a situation like this? Regardless, I can't help but think how exactly she asked you to pick up some toilet paper: did she text you? Did she call you and ask? Or did she have a middle-man or maybe a middle-woman whom she used to ask you because she was just so ashamed of asking you face-to-face or maybe in the other means which I think that's not how she really did it because if she was embarrassed to ask via someone else, then she would just not have asked in the first place, but again, anything is possible so who knows? It's interesting. Nevertheless, the piece was funny and it definitely had a mood for a dramatic problem. Thanks for that. I now have something to think about when I go to take a shit, assuming I don't take my brand new iPhone with me to the toilet.